Soooo, I’ve recently put myself back on the online dating market. Yes, I may have sworn it off two years ago after my date with too-sweet, loves-his-mom-enough-to-talk-about-her-through-75%-of-the-date’s-conversation, leather-beret, ponytail (not-for-me,-obvs) guy. But I feel like the Great Whiskey Mistake/26th-birthday-party-breakup fiasco of 2012 justifies a little bit of online ego boosting. Should I hyphenate more things in this-paragraph? I think so.
Needless to say, I’m already disappointed. I feel like math (especially algorithms) cannot possibly play a crucial role in the amount of chemistry that two people will have in real life. Yes, you and I match by 78% (that’s OVER ¾ for those of you who are bad at math, like me) and yet you sent me this message:
“KT** who loooved being fully engrossed in The Time Traveler’s Wife replies “VERY Selectively”? Hmmm, I just read over your profile and have NO IDEA why you’re this picky!
Haha, actually I wanted to make sure you have a good sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously. :)…”
Okay, my friend. I have some suggestions:
1. If you read my entire profile (and you probably haven’t, so I’m not blaming this on you, except maybe I am because you should have), then you would know that I love literature. Bashing one of my favorite books in the first paragraph of a message to me is a definite no-no.
2. Have you read The Time Traveler’s Wife? I think not. If you had, you would realize that it is much more beautiful and well-written than whatever bastardized Nicholas-Sparks-tragic-love-story movie version was made of it. I’m hyphenating ridiculous things again and I’m sorry; this doesn’t happen often. Maybe I’m just too angry.
3. Also, you asshole, YOU are the reason why I reply selectively. Don’t turn this around on me for having a bad sense of humor. I have a great sense of humor. That’s why I’m laughing at you.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m that great and I’m soooooo sorry it didn’t work out with me and this aforementioned guy who I never messaged back, but I definitely think this demonstrates the holes that happen with algorithms. Had I received this message before I filled out any of the random questions, I would have automatically rated myself with this guy as a 40% or less match. Yes, both of us may have answered “No” on the “Do you enjoy meaningless sex?” question, but it doesn’t mean that we’re a match made in heaven. The only thing I can hope for is a man who answered enough questions, in the right order, honestly/sarcastically enough that he could probably handle me on a date. C’est la vie, 2012. C’est la vie.
Side note before I sign out, but every time a man messages me and tells me I have a great smile, I imagine some dude sitting in front of the computer, in his underwear, saying, “DAAAAAMN! Look at tha grill on that ho! She musta been to tha orthodontist or some shit.” I don’t know why.
**My SN removed so you can’t stalk me on my dating website.